Heart and Gold and Hope
by XoXoBrielCipriano
Summary: Cam's point of view when he broke up with Lilith and stepped into the dark side.


Xx Fallen, by Lauren Kate Fan Fiction xX

Xx Heart and Gold and Hope xX

Summary: Cam's point of view when Lilith broke off their engagement and the moment Cam stepped into the dark side.

Disclaimer: Lauren Kate owns everything except this plot. Though I want to own Cam ;)

Xx Cam's POV xX

I was so excited but scared at the same time. I was excited that I was going to marry a girl that I love, the girl that made me forget about Lucinda for a moment of my life. Oh, Lucinda, she was impossible to get over, you could only forget her for a slight moment of your life and that was if her lover was your own brother. I can't help it. Every single incarnation, I just knew where she would be, I had flied gazillions of miles just to watch her when she slept. I knew that nothing is the only possibilities between Lucinda and I but I am the kind of being that was not afraid in having a little faith.

The presence of Lilith was what I could say at that time was a blessing. For a moment there, I was distracted by her. I was distracted by her liveliness and mischievousness. She was strong and the kind of women of her words and very determined and hopeful. Falling for a mortal, hurts unfathomably more that how it hurts when you fell from Heaven, trust me, I had been there. Knowing that you are going to stay as young as you were while watching your love slips away from you makes it hard and impossible to live anymore yet you lived to endure the almost unbearable pain. Immortality was the greatest curse ever and doubting it is the lowest pit of stupidity.

Lilith wanted to get married in a temple and I did not knew how to tell her that I can't step a feet to a God's sanctuary. It was the biggest no-no as a Fallen and I did not want to be the reason why such a beautiful temple to combust to ash and dust. Gravely Daniel and I walked to the river side where Lilith and I first met and where I purposed her. I did not why I chose to sit there but I did. I stared emptily to the vast river. The term of empty mind was almost impossible in me but that day was like an exception for everything. Daniel had talked to me that I should just tell her the truth. Rumours were spreading like a wild fire around the village. They assumption of who I truly was, was wrong but right at the same time. They said that I was a wizard which strayed far from reality. The said that I was a demon which was almost correct but not really were since I was an undecided Fallen at that time. I was not given the chance to choose at that time but even if I was given the chance to, I doubted that I could choose a side.

Then Lilith came up to me. She was so beautiful in a short white wedding dress. Her fiery red hair was braided and she was Heavenly. I just want to pull her in and kiss her with all the force in the universe. My hearts and soul were building and shattering at the same time and I don't know how that was possible but what I knew is that it was a pointless emotion. Lilith smiled sweetly at me. Her eyes were shining with a sheer happiness and the thought that I might break her heart and put out the lights in her eyes made it even worse. She put her arms around me and it was like a hammer made of starshots substance struck through my heart.

She sat next to me and we read our marriage agreement that Daniel handed to us. Lilith pointed to a line in the text.

"This part right here, it says that we will be married by the river. But you know that I want to be married in the temple, Cam," she said and I could almost swore at that time that my heart had stopped beating for a while.

I looked over to Daniel and I heard him exhaled a deep and heavy breath. I looked down for a moment and I reached to her hands before I looked into her wondering eyes.

"My love, I've told you I cannot," I said with a hope that she would gave up the subject.

"You refused to marry me under the eyes of God? In the only place where my family would approve our union! Why?" her voice held a trace of hurt and exasperation.

"I won't set a foot in there," I said. _JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH!_ I remembered being angry with myself at that moment but I just can't bring myself to tell her anything. Being the coward I was…

Lilith eyes were glassy and tears threatened to fall to her beautiful rosy cheek.

"Then you don't love me," she said and God knows how my heart felt like it was punched with the knuckles of needles.

"I love you more than I ever thought possible, but it doesn't change a thing," I was speaking the truth. I never lied about how much I loved her; I loved her so much that I forget about Lucinda for once in my lifetime.

My ears ranged with the sound of Lilith high-pitched-exasperated scream. Her eyes were wide with rage and her hands were clenched tight to her side. I was pretty sure that she probably bled her palm with her nails. She seems like she could tear the world to pieces, gone the woman I fell in love with.

She grabbed my wrist with her iron grip and pinned me to the tree hard and her hands were tight on my throat but I did not fight her. What was the point of fighting anyway? Nothing could be healed anymore; it was way too late to save anything and to tell her the truth would seems like a suicide plan.

"My grandmother never liked you," her voice was held in and tight, she was trying hard not to scream her hearts out at him and he knew it. "She always said the most terrible thing and I always defended you. Now I see it. In your eyes and your soul," now it was like almost a whisper; a threatening whispers. Her eyes were looking deep into his, it burned with quite rage. "Say it."

"Say what?" and God knew how terrified he was when Lilith asked her that. He somehow was afraid that Lilith had discovered who he truly was; a Fallen.

"You're a bad man. You're a- I know what you are," a wave of slight relieve washed over me. It was clearer that crystal that Lilith was clueless of what he was. I could admit to her that who I was, but I don't. I was afraid of losing what I had lost.

"I am none of the bad things anyone says I am, Lilith," it was true and it sounded flat and bland at that time as if I were annoyed. I was a little bit but fear overcomes everything.

"Lilith," Daniel who was quite could not stand the situation anymore. He tried to persuade Lilith by backing me up. He tried to pull Lilith's hands away from my throat. "He is not-"

"Dani, nothing you can say to fix this," Dani was Daniel's name in this era of time. What I said was true, it was broken. Trying to fix it was useless like trying to turn a bowl of porridge to a bowl of rice. It was too late.

"That's right. It's broken," there, it comes out from her mouth as a confirmation that us was done. She let go of me by pushing me hard that I fell backward to the ground along with my heart. I fell shattered to dust in the ground.

She flung the marriage agreement to the river.

It struck me to the core and it was like my whole world destroyed before my eyes in slow motions. It was like pieces of the sky itself fell on top of me. That eyes that mirrors her deepest despise toward me makes me felt like I had lost everything. I had lost my heart thought it was there somehow. Our marriage agreement floated violently on the surface of the water as if it was trying to give a visual proves that it was over. Lilith's betrayed face as she flung the paper before his eyes kept repeating in his mind and it was as if it was still happening in front of him like it was a few moments ago. Those moments as an immortal where you had store this hope in a chest of your heart, you opened it and gave that hope to someone one day, but then the person you trusted with that, smash it with their hands before you and they fled and they died while you were stuck in that moment for what felt like forever and endless. You got over it by times, but then it was there and won't ever, ever go away. You live with it and if you were lucky, you died with it.

"I hope I live a thousand years and have a thousand daughters so there will always be a woman who can curse your name."

She spat and she returned to the temple.

Daniel offered his hands to help him up and he took it and he don't know why. At that moment he just wanted to burry himself to the ground and die.

"Do you have a starshots Dani?" I asked Daniel. At that moment it seems like to die was the only way out of this heartbreak. I was weak and useless anyway. My loss or presence won't do any dramatic change in the celestial balance.

"No, don't talk like that, you'll get her back, or else-"

"I was naïve to think that I could have gotten away with loving a mortal woman," it was like a joke now that I only realised that at that moment when everything was too late to be saved.

"If you'd only told her," that caused my blood to boil.

"_Told her?_ What happened to me- to all of us? The Fall and everything since?" I leaned toward in. I was in disbelieving of myself and him. Both of us were right and wrong. "Maybe she's right about me. You heard her: the whole village thinks I am a demon. Even if they won't use the word," there, I said it… a knot of tension and burden were loosened inside me

"They know nothing," Daniel argued.

I turned away from him knowing if I don't I would punch his nose flat.

"All this time I've been trying to deny it, but love is impossible, Dani," I had lost y hope at that time and I also thought that I had lost my mind.

"It is not," here's the thing about Daniel, he had faith, he always have and I don't. I lose faith easier that I had them. Faith is out of the list to me.

"_It is. _For souls like ours. You'll see. You may hold out longer than I could, but you'll see. Both of us will eventually have to choose," my words were sharp and hurtful and I knew that I had hurt Daniel with what I said. I was not a good feeling at all.

"_No"_ Daniel bellowed.

"So quick to protest brother, it makes me wonder about you. Don't you ever think about it… crossing over?" I said putting my hands on his shoulder.

He shrugged me away. "I think about her and only her. I count the second until she'll be with me again. I chose her as she chooses me," Daniel sticks to his root.

"How lonely," I said feeling a pang of jealousy and aloneness.

"It's not lonely, it's love. The love you want for yourself too-" he almost shouted at me in frustration.

"I meant: _I'm_ lonely. And far less noble than you are. Any day. I fear a change is coming on,"

"No, you wouldn't," Daniel said moving closer to me.

I turned away violently and shouted, "Not all of us are lucky enough to be bound to our lover by a curse," I saw that this had angered Daniel but I would do anything to be in his place.

"Go then, you won't be missed,"

That struck me to my deepest core. My brother, my very own close brother said that I shall go and break whatever between us like it meant nothing. Like it was all crap. I lost my hope. The pain is still there in my heart but I keep it safely as nothing I could do today could change what happened before.

But it wounds me deeply.

Because in a day I felt like I had lost everything. I lost my love, whom I thought maybe could cherish me till the end of her time, I lost my brother, my closest brother whom I Fell with, whom I trust the most, whom I respect and love and had faith in. I will never get what my heart had desired ever since the beginning of universe, my light, my first love, my hope, Lucinda.

I lost myself. I felt numb all over and the flood of betrayal, unwanted and loss of hope and dignity drowning me, putting out the fire of warmth inside me, taking away my heart and breath, it was like dissolving in Hell, sucked to the pit of Hell, it was Hell all over. It was dark and dark and dark and burns and I just can't hold it anymore. It clenches my heart with the Lucifer grip of aloneness. I set my jaw in determination; I knew that Heaven will never be my place anymore. Heaven is not my home anymore. The last traces of Heaven inside me was washed away with the fire of Hell itself, what left now is declaring it.

My face was wet with tears and a micro part of me inside my heart said no but it was too late. I spread my wings and Daniel watches me without any effort of stopping me. Knowing that it was wrong, knowing that I was going to make the biggest yet the most necessary mistake of my life. Funny how a mistake was a necessary thing to do back then. I shot myself to the sky with the loudest force I had ever implied, a force of determination and anger. I stop myself from shooting myself up to the sky any further and I took at my diamond white wings for the last time I admired them. It was beautiful, but I do not deserve this anymore, having this heavenly wings shooting up from my shoulder blade, having this wings to bring the sated feeling of a release, having this wings to make me felt like who I was, was wrong and I am benevolent enough to give it up.

I raised my face to the sky, my throat was tight but I must declare this to the Throne, to Heaven, to Hell, to all the Fallen near of far away, to the Earth who am I about to be.

"I, CamBriel, the Fallen, dear God, Oh Lucifer. With this I am declaring myself to the Lucifer side, I delve myself to the pits of Hell and shall I stay and remain there when the time come,"

As soon as I said that, a saw a bright gold light blinding my eyes for a moment and I saw a hand, a strong, capable and deceiving hand of Lucifer himself taking my hands in his. His face was calm and as beautiful as he had been in Heaven during his time, he smiled a devilishly illusory smile.

"Welcome my brother, welcome, now shall we burn the Earth to ash and dust with Hell and if I burn in Hell, shall you come with me," he said and I felt an excruciating pain in my back as he released his hands from mine and disappeared. I felt a violent pull to my wings and Hell fire burned my wings to gold. The Hell fire burned my skin and flesh and bones but it caused not a single scratch inside me, it just burned away any last hints of Heaven in me. It hurts like never before.

I woke up in the middle of an unknown desert. I felt a strong power running through my veins like it never before. I felt… wrong but right. I felt light but it was actually darkness that encircles me. I had lost myself but I had found myself at the same time. I was meant to be this I was meant to be in the wrong side. I can't remember why do I chose to be this anymore, I do not know why, it felt like it just happen like that, like I was born this way…

I smiled and I brought index and my middle finger from my left hand closed together toward my mouth. I kissed my finger and wave it to the air. Thank Hell for this.

I shot my brand new gold wings, strong and pulsing with energy. I bend my knees and shot up to the sky, let the sky embrace the new me. Let the sky honour my first flight as a demon.

I had become what they had said I was before I am.

Xx _The End of Heart and Gold and Hope xX_

A/N Okay how was that? This was not my first Fallen Fan Fiction, but this is my first Fallen fan fiction that I posted here. The other Fallen fan fiction? It stays in my notebook =)

I hope you like this but this fan fiction I would say myself that it was quite heavy so don't take any offense, this is just a piece of justice that I thought should be done for Cam. I LOVE that guy… my first fiction husband! Hahaha kidding…no, no, I am not kidding.

Well I hope you like this and please, please review and let me know on what you thought of this!


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